Fear Factor

Sagittarius Horoscopes

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)Next Week

For the Week of Jan 18th, 2010 -- The slow pace you encounter in others might be a little frustrating this weekend. When you're ready to play or connect with someone you don't like to waste your time. Yet being patient is key to earning the trust required to get closer to an attractive individual. Playing it cool at first is your best chance to finally generating the heat that your heart desires.

Gawd!! I know patience is a virtue I need to cultivate. I am trying. Last night I saw The Lovely Bones with Helen. It is the kind of movie that might get you thinking about relationships in your life. We stopped at the Skyline Diner on the way home for coffee and conversation. Naturally, the conversation gravitated to relationships. The usual head scratching about the Mars/Venus thing led to more questions. At this stage of my life I thought I would have a better handle on this, but evidently, it's one of life's mysteries...at least for me. Helen smiled when I said I thought that some men were afraid of me.

"Yeah, they're afraid, very afraid. You are about as subtle as a bulldozer."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2cLmbCyzhE

This is true. It's that no patience thing. Most of the time, when someone is giving me information or telling me something on the job I'll ask them to cut to the chase. If I need any explanation or elaboration I'll ask. Just the facts, ma'am...or sir. It carries over to the home front and is the source of much anxiety, it seems.

You'd think I would learn from past experience. Old habits die hard. Yes, I do know a sign of insanity is expecting a different result from the same behavior...I'm working on the sanity. It puzzled me...why the fear factor?

"Most people do not jump into situations head first. You can really hurt yourself if you do. Think about it. Has this worked for you in the past?"

Helen's eyes grew wide as she stared into mine. We simultaneously burst into hysterical laughter. The obvious answer...not really.

I will never be the laid back, level headed woman who just goes about her business, waiting patiently for the universe to reveal it's answer. I will take two giant steps back, try to keep out of trouble and have more faith in the natural order of things. Well, that's what I want to do. I'm still a work in progress.

To the men I have frightened or disturbed in any way, I offer a sincere apology and some advice. Be patient with me. Once you get to know me, I'm not as terrifying as I seem to be. Well, ok, maybe I am, but you'll get used to it. Give it time.

horoscope~tarot.com

A Little Piece of My Heart

• The third day of the new year flies in on wintry wind. It sounds like a train whooshing through the streets and tree tops of Glen Oaks at full throttle. It is icy cold, penetrating layers of down and wool, like cold fingers wriggling under warm blankets. I have one outdoor errand to do...a meatball run for ingredients for a game night dish. It feels like snow could be in the very near future so it behooves me to have my supplies on hand before things get messy. I'm getting my little nest warm and cozy for this phase of winter. This is the time for indoor activities.
• 
  
• Today I'm doing some heart art. I'm putting my other projects on hold for a short time while attend to my heart. Hearts find their way into much of my art...hearts and eyes. This time I have a heart-shaped book I'll be altering with paint, paper, clay, metal, wire...you get the idea. My dear Christina from www.skybluepink.com sent some gorgeous pink and fuchsia punchinella. I am in seventh heaven...sparkles and hearts and stencils...oh my!

A few years ago I participated in a LMAO (land mail art object) exchange with a group of fellow artists at nervousness, where many of us had quite a bit of fun for a while. The concept of this exchange was simple...create an artistic representation of your heart. Any medium, any form you like, but it had to be small enough to be easily mailed anywhere in the world. I decided to use a jigsaw puzzle for my heart. I labeled each piece for a part of my life I held in my heart...people, pets, places and ideals all separate, but connected. In fact, if one piece was missing, the heart was not complete. I really liked that heart...I use a picture of it as my avatar on nervousness...but off it went to Norway. The heart I received was from the USA. It blew my mind. I opened the envelope to find a tiny matchbox shrine, covered in red paper. On top was a pearl heart. A red ribbon wrapped around the tiny container. When I slid it open I found eight iridescent beads glued to dark background paper. Then I found the note in the envelope. "These beads represent the people in my life who make up my heart. One is for my daughter, two are for my parents. The others represent the people who gave their lives defending me, including my dearest friend, the love of my life. They died in a fight for my life. I hold them in my heart for eternity, although I fear it will remain broken for eternity, too. If you should decide you don't want this heart at any time, please return it to me. Thank you." I still have that heart and keep it safe.

You never know about hearts. Some seem so full of love and joy, almost overflowing. Others seem small and dark like pieces of obsidian, hard and cold. Then there are the broken hearts...some have tiny cracks, some are fractured and pieced together again and some are torn asunder, leaving an abyss impossible to breach. Most hearts are a combination of the full and the broken. In any case, your heart has a voice. We all hear it on occasion. I think we are wise to listen to our hearts...it's that little voice people talk about when they say they should have listened. I don't have any resolutions, they are a waste of time for me. However, I decided to really listen to my heart...to ease up on the thinking for a while. As someone near and dear to me said..."you're losing your focus, lighten up, stop thinking, just go with the flow." That may be my mantra, along with 'follow your heart'.

I'm setting up my heart art...I even wrote a haiku this morning :)

My Heart Has No Name

My heart has no name

each piece holds the key to love.

Timeless roses bloom...

Got my book, got my glue, got my punchinella and I am ready to rock this heart. Crank up the music, mr. dj...maybe some Canaro tangos...I have my wire cutters...I am armed and not so dangerous. It's time for some heart to heart art <3

anonymous shrine~nervousness~2004?

Let's Talk About Love

Sagittarius Horoscopes

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Next Week

For the Week of Dec 28th, 2009 -- Your sense of adventure is in full gear this weekend. Seeking new experiences can put pressure on an ongoing relationship since you may be easily bored. Connecting with someone far away or from a different culture, though, should be your cup of tea. Hit the road and explore unfamiliar places to expand your horizons and fuel the fires of desire.

Well, it's true. I do like to travel. In fact, I am very antsy these days. That is not unusual for this time of year or for me most of the time. Most likely, I will be staying put for the winter, which is probably a good thing. I've been thinking about love lately. This can be an intellectual appreciation. In this case it goes a little deeper...right to the heart.

I carry a small copy of Kahil Gibran's The Prophet with me...I found it at a book sale at the Woodstock Library a few years ago. It reminds me of my brother, Chris. We both had a fondness for it back in the day. We read passages from it at his funeral...I'm not being morbid...it was an act of love. Whenever my hand brushes it accidentally, I think of Chris and smile. Real love does make you smile. All the angst and torment is a crock. If I want drama I'll see a Broadway show.

I'm no Pollyanna, but a little pain goes a long way in relationships. If it hurts all the time, what is it? I dunno, but it's not love. I am quite mushy by nature. During a movie or a song or a conversation I can become misty-eyed in seconds. Hugs and kisses are second nature to me. I'm all for love. If I have to hit the road for love I'm packed and ready to go, but not down a one way street. I believe you give everything for love...and in return you receive everything. Am I a romantic? Perhaps. Better to embrace love than hide from it...what is a safe distance...and why? Oh, I'm waxing philosophical again...Sagittarians do that. We have big hearts and strong intellects, it's said. We're too straightforward at times...I suppose that is true, but that's just who I am. The wanderlust does take me on occasion, but I love home sweet home...and home is where the heart is.

pic~yours truly & art by shari elf~i love it :)

horoscope~tarot.com

O, Death!

O, Death! It's like 'oh dear', but a bit more final, but is it really? Lately, death has been active in my circle of friends and acquaintances. It's the holiday season. There is an expectation of cheer and good feelings...sometimes unrealistic...that attaches itself to this time of year. It can be a set up to a let down. My own approach this year is to just go with the flow. This may be due to hangin' with death more than usual. Many people find death scary, even terrifying. They try to bargain or negotiate terms...not usually a successful effort. When death comes it is a ready or not situation for most people. There are those who live close to death for a time and come to realize this is inevitable. Some welcome him. Some resist until the end. They will not go gently. I do not invite death or welcome her at this stage of my life. Feeling very blessed with the people and opportunities I have keeps me wanting more of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoIebIKNS4s

An ending is necessary for another beginning. Chaos and destruction clear the way for order and construction. Death is part of that cycle. Not only our bodies die. Hopes and dreams die. Hatred and bitterness die too. If this didn't happen we could get stuck in a rut, going deeper and deeper on the road to nowhere. The death of a lifestyle can seem devastating at first...it's supposed to be. Later, a new way of life can prove to be the best thing for you. Death has done you a big favor, though, at the time it didn't feel that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAs4L9AKUKk

I've been attracted to dark things as long as I can remember. I love Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, vampires, zombies, werewolves and haunted houses. Death fascinates me because there is a finality and yet an unknown element of a netherworld. Today is Winter Solstice or Yule, the shortest day and longest night. The burning of the yule log symbolizes the first fire of a new beginning. The sun will now grow in strength again. An end and a beginning celebrated for centuries...death of the old, birth of the new.

I'm going with the flow with Death too. After all, do I really have a choice? It's been a year of death for me on different levels. My foundation crumbled and turned to sand in an hour glass. I did the free fall for a while. Then I landed on my feet, a tad wobbly, but still standing. The future, though uncertain, is looking good. Death is death, always there busy taking care of business. That's as it should be. I'll be taking care of business too, enjoying the rocky road. Until we meet at that fork in the road that takes me to the next level, I'll give Death her due and appreciate all I have in this life. I'm quite healthy, not so wealthy and getting wiser by the year.

pic~dia de los muertos~oaxaca 2009

videos~o brother, where art thou? good one!

There's A Turkey In My Freezer

When I left work Wednesday evening I received a frozen twelve pound turkey, courtesy of one of the doctors in our office. I didn't realize I would be the recipient of said fowl, so I was slightly taken aback for the moment. What was I going to do with this bird? My oven has been out of commission since March and I don't see a new stove in my crystal ball. Yes, I have one. Thanksgiving dinner was being prepared by my brother and sister-in-law. My contribution was the wine. I plopped the gobbler in the backseat. As I drove home it occurred to me many people close to me are out of work or have been this year. I knew who tom turkey was going to feed. My blessings are many and though I constantly whine about my job, I am happy to have it. Never in my memory have so many people I know been unemployed for long periods of time. Everyone has scaled down almost everything they do. This is the holiday season. It is a double edged sword, opening wounds old and new. It is a festive time, whatever holiday you celebrate. This year people are more subdued. There is a serious undercurrent holding us back. The unsettled feeling that we haven't bottom out quite yet. Life does go on and we hang on for the ride. Sometimes, when there are less frills, you begin to see other things in a different light. It becomes clear what really is valuable. Your family, friends and health are the things to treasure. We all have each of those to a greater or lesser degree. This year will be odd for me. More changes. At first, I resisted, but now I realize it really is futile. I'm going with the flow...again. New things are on the horizon. It's looking brighter at the end of that crazy tunnel. So off I go, turkey in tow, heading for more change and actually, nervously, looking forward to it.

pic~natalie & ian thanksgiving 2009...sooo cute!

Lost and Found

We are all products of our life experiences. Our perception is naturally filtered by memories of things real or imagined that happened as we wander life's pathways. I have noticed people will confide very personal information, at times much more than I care to know. There is a certain intimacy and trust between a health care provider and patient. When I have been a patient I recognize the vulnerability I feel, so I get it.

People have confided mind-boggling information to me over the years. Infidelity, alien abduction and cannibalism are on the list. I call it the confessional effect. They may or may not see me again. If they do, it will probably be quite a while between visits. I am a stranger, but we are in a personal relationship for a very short time. Some see you as a captive audience and will try to cram their life history into the minutes you are together. Others are just compelled to blurt out a story that must go 'round and 'round in their brain. I have even had a couple of patients kiss me smack on my mouth. Yuck! 'I just wanted to thank you'. No, you wanted to be a perv. You never know what's going through a person's mind. The room is quiet while I image their heart. The light is low so I can see the computer screen. Minds wander. Best you don't know that itinerary.

Back in the 80's I worked as a supervisor in a large medical center. Nuclear Medicine and Nuclear Cardiology were separate departments, but our isotopes were stored in a common hot lab. I met Julie when she worked in Nuclear Cardiology. Every morning we would prepare for the day, discussing life and love, the usual small talk. One morning she ran in waving her left hand. A celestial blue sapphire glistened in the fluorescent light. The surrounding diamonds completed the tiny universe on her finger. She danced around the lab in delight. 'I designed it myself...' and proceeded to tell me about the proposal, the wedding plans and how many children they wanted. Cloud nine! We worked together for about a year after that. We soon lost touch. When I started a new job years later one of my first patients was Julie's dad, who had a background in nuclear medicine. I would ask for Julie and we would chat for a while.

When the Twin Towers were destroyed the list of people killed and missing was posted on a daily basis. The acrid smell of dust and death hung in the air for a week. There was that morbid compulsion to check that list every day. We knew of losses in the community. Most households were touched by death and disbelief. Then I saw Julie's name. We had not spoken to one another for many years, but I spoke to her dad not more than a month before that abomination.

The following year her dad came in for testing. We looked at one another. I told him I was sorry. He nodded, then we morphed into the same conversation we had every year about half-lives of isotopes and detection devices. That and the care of roses constitutes our yearly conversation to this day.

Two years after that Julie's dad and mom came in for tests. When her mother came into the room I could see her watching me work out of the corner of her eye. I thought I should say something. I told her I was so sorry. Then I told her I remembered how happy Julie was the day she came in wearing her sapphire engagement ring. Her mom was silent for a moment. Then she said 'They never found that ring. They never found Julie. We had a memorial service for her. Two weeks ago they called to say they found something of Julie's. A bone fragment. I cannot do this. I cannot keep burying my daughter. I told my husband not to tell me anything else. Nothing." I said I was sorry, so sorry. She shook her head. We finished the procedure. I took her hand and helped her sit up. She held my hand. She said 'Please don't take this the wrong way. It's just that I can't stand to look at you.' I knew instantly what she was telling me. I have a daughter, too. When she looked at me, how could she not wonder what Julie would be doing?

I helped her to her feet, feeling a strange bond which is difficult to explain.

They come back to our office to test their hearts each year, though their hearts have been through a test no heart should have. Her dad comes to me for his test, her mom goes to the other room. They came in yesterday. I saw her watching me out of the corner of her eye.

White Noise

Traffic has been brisk on my little corner of the world. Ambulance sirens mingling with rumbling fire engines and the random roar of the bikers across the way have kept the decibel level high since last night. When the air is just so and the moon is at a certain phase I can hear the Long Island Rail Road's plaintive train whistle. It was one of those nights when all the sound effects mingled into a kind of white noise phenomena. It became quiet, so quiet that it was eerie. I was working on my vampire tale, which I had neglected while soaking in mezcal and cerveza in Oaxaca. Usually, I get right in the groove. It's like a movie is running in my head. I can hear the dialogue and visualize the quick, the dead and the undead plotting and scheming as they enact my story. Not happening last night, not at all.

It was a windy night for a walk, but it felt cool and invigorating. Wet leaves were a slippery carpet. The smell of autumn in New York became those damp leaves and the scent of pepperoni pizza hot out of the oven at Marcella's. Strolling down Union Turnpike, heading for home, I realized the vampires would not be joining me on my return. I'm still distracted, in a good way, by creating assemblage pieces inspired by poetry or excerpts from books. It was back to the drawing board.

I'm working on a piece based on the poem 'Kingman Run' by Scott Wannberg. 'Tonight, Maybe...' also written by Scott, was my inspiration for my Oaxaca workshop piece, which I love. 'Kingman Run' is about love and loss. It's one of the most beautiful poems I know. The sketches are done. The parts are being collected and connected. It's small, like a precious jewel. I hope I can make it shine.