Lately shrines have become a bit of an obsession. This is about people, places, poetry and sundry things that inspire my personal shrines. Love conqures all.
Most people who know me well would say the day I quote Ronald Reagan hell froze over. Well, jingle bells to you...here goes...
I'm notorious for being defensive...Christine has used the phrase "you're totally paranoid, Mom", throughout her childhood to the present day. Perhaps, but I have my reasons, as we all do when we feel threatened. We build our psychic fortresses to withstand the assaults of the outside world. These may be emotional, physical or spiritual in nature.
When our status quo is in peril we may feel the need to reinforce the walls, bring the drawbridge up and barricade all the windows and portals. Somebody start boiling the oil.
Hold on a minute there. Is this really a threat? Maybe it's time for a change...or at least a chance. Try some deep breaths. Maybe a margarita or two. Name your poison. Just try to relax. What if you removed a brick or three? You just might see what's on the other side of the wall is intriguing, if not positive. How will you ever know if you keep building that wall higher and higher? Lots of questions, huh? Well, maybe the answers lie on the other side of the wall. So, heaven help me, take a listen to Ronnie. For this one and only time, I agree with him.
Perhaps you adhere to the belief that the stars and planets influence our daily affairs, perhaps not. I am addicted to my daily horoscope in any form...print, online, podcast or video. Each morning I read my daily forecast and either nod in agreement or shake my head, heeding a dire warning. This week brings the full moon. Although its effect on mere mortals is disputed, most people will agree it seems to influence our behavior. That being said, I believe this must be a most powerful full moon because some behavior has been a little loony for about two weeks now. Could it be this is not moon-related? Yo no se. I'm feeling more confused than usual. In fact, I'm feeling a little anxious. When this happens, I listen to music to calm myself, to soothe frazzled nerves and to sing and dance myself into a relaxed state of mind.
Oh yes, it's tango time. I love Francisco Canaro. In fact, I just got hold of his CD that has my favorite tango on it, "Te Quiero". That song is the ring tone on my cell phone. I'm listening to my tangos and giving my brain a rest. I'll let my heart take over for a while. It is so much more forgiving of my eccentricities.
John is waving in my direction from the reception desk. His Irish brogue carries across the crowded waiting room. I've listened to that brogue for over twelve years now.
"I'll be with you momentarily, John. I'm taking care of another patient, but I'll be back soon."
We cared for his late wife, too. He is living proof to me that there truly can be a broken heart.
After she died he was hospitalized many times for chest pain and blockages to his coronary arteries. We would see him every two to three months for a while there. Lately he's been spending more time with his family in Ireland. His daughters believe it does him a world of good. John disputes that belief.
"I might as well be in China for all the good it does me. Worry follows me. It's how I am."
I feel a special bond with John that's hard to explain. Maybe there's a certain chemistry.
Some patients stay with you. I remember some from over thirty years ago. Yikes!
A little while later, I hear Sandra call a familiar name. It's Julie's dad. He's having his test in Mario's room today. His wife told me it's hard for them to see me since Julie died. I understand, but it's sad. Later, while I'm talking to John about family things, Julie's dad walks by. He extends his hand and gives mine a gentle squeeze. Our eyes meet. We smile. He walks out the exit door without looking back.
I give John a hug and a kiss. He hands me a black plastic bag.
"Here, I picked this up for you. I knew I'd be seeing you, what with the chest pain at the airport. Handmade chocolates...for you."
Another hug and I'm back to work. I can't shake the feeling that the universe is telling me something. It's said when Venus goes retrograde in Libra we will learn lessons about past relationships that affect our present ones. It's so busy I have no time to ponder this mystery.
When I return home there are messages and phone calls. Before I know it, it's almost 11PM. Where did the day go? Then the lesson starts to sink in. Treasure your friends and loved ones now, for time does fly. My dear patients have lost their beloved wife and child and that loss changed them forever. Still, they live and they love. Lucky for me, for I hold them dear to my heart.
That plate smashes into the kitchen wall...shatters into a score of pieces. I haven't done that since 1973 and it feels good, real good. Silvery moonlight filters through my lacy curtains, creating odd moth eaten patterns on the linoleum floor. It's quiet on my corner tonight. No traffic noise or crunching fender benders, no couples arguing at top decibel in the middle of the street, not caring who hears what and no sirens...ambulance or fire engines...roaring down the parkway outside my window. Crickets sing their last hurrah. It's summer's last day for this year. We celebrate autumn's return at 11:09pm tomorrow. Although it is my favorite season, I am in no mood for celebration. A bit of self-pity and 'i just knew it' have crept out of my sub and into my consciousness. I was so sure the pattern was broken. This time I took my time and made the right choice, assuming it was a two-way street. It seems, as my friends will attest to, my sense of direction runs true...I have none. I did not realize I turned onto a one-way street, but it seems I am consistent. Well, that's good...I guess. Maybe a GPS is in order. Without one, I tend to drive around in circles for a while before I reach my destination. If that is the case, I am getting dizzy...I may need some help, but I will get there. Maybe I'll blame it on the full moon that's coming on Thursday.
I'm thinking another flying saucer may do me a world of good, but I don't feel like picking up the pieces, especially in bare feet. That leaves me quite vulnerable for injury and I've had enough of that. Perhaps it's best to maintain a holding pattern. After all, I don't know where I'm going anymore, so what's the rush? Sleep deprivation seems to go hand and hand with this need for GPS assistance. It is a real pain in the butt to feel so clueless, but I do. In another reality, I would hop on a plane and just go somewhere, but that's not an option right now.
Oooh, a fire engine just rolled down the street...set off a car alarm on the way. That's better...some noise to distract me. It will take more than that, though. Sleep will come, eventually. In the morning things will look different in the sunlight. I may even find that GPS I was looking for tonight. Right now that plate looks mighty tempting...more sirens?,,, oh, yeah!
For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- Your desire to avoid emotional drama may be difficult to achieve this weekend. Planets are firing off rockets that can explode in sudden attraction or blast away trust you have in another person. If you have someone special in your life, treat him or her as tenderly as you can, even when reason has flown the coop. Staying cool in the chaos is your best move.
Not surprisingly, I decided to sip a margarita this evening in lieu of the more traditional pain medication at my disposal. My body is on the mend. It reminds me of this any time I try to overextend my resources. There is no choice...I listen. My cat, Elliot, has taken it upon himself to be my personal bodyguard. This is quite amusing. He sticks to my like glue...at my feet, by my side and, of course, underfoot..."Oh, my God! Are you trying to kill me?" Even Monet has been solicitous. Animals sense human stress, be it emotional or physical and have their way of showing support. Some are more tuned in than others. They don't say a word. They are there for you.
There are people like this, too. They don't always have much to say, but they are there, present, when you need that extra energy. Words don't always work. I'm never sure I'll say the 'right' ones, anyway. Just knowing that someone is thinking of you when you need that extra boost gives a certain peace of mind. It is a blessing.
The ancient Egyptians considered cats sacred for practical and spiritual reasons. Some said they were guardians of the home and the soul. Maybe so. I've known a couple of contenders, feline and human, for that honor. Very glad to have them in my life.
Have you ever walked into the flame? You know the inevitable outcome. The best case scenario is you are only seriously wounded...worst case, destruction. Perhaps not annihilation, but part of you will not survive. Is this always a negative thing?
It brings to mind the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Bones and Scotty racing around the Enterprise after some nefarious Klingon attack. Sirens blare, red lights flash and Spock stoically spews scientific data predicting the eminent demise of the entire crew. Does Kirk flinch? Well, grimace, perhaps, but he races on to confront his fate...and that of his crew. Controlled chaos ensues with explosions, sparks and smoke...but when the smoke clears the heart of the Enterprise is still intact. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and even Uhuru are on deck, a gash here, a bandage there...maybe a limp. They may have lost some ancillary personnel on deck 3 and deck 8, but the guts of the operation are still operational.
"Aye, Cap'n, I thought she was gonna blow this time."
"Mr. Scott, I knew you could pull it off. Mr. Spock, are we clear?"
"Yes, Captain. All systems are functional."
"Steer a course for AlphaBetaMega, Mr. Chekov."
Off they blast, into the stars, a tiny speck in the universe.
That's how things happen in life, too. When we're in the thick of it there's little time to think or feel. Just that need to survive, but not to avoid the challenge. We may be singed, but we find we can still move pretty fast when we have to.
It does the soul good to walk through the fire sometimes. Personally, I don't make a habit of it, but it is invigorating. Do you smell something burning?
inspired, in part by Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event and in part by life ;)
Niko came in to have his heart tested today. We've been through this ritual many times. He reminds me of Zorba. His laugh is infectious and his outlook always positive. His family lives here and in Greece. His nephew, Nick, was going to start his own business, a small restaurant in Astoria. Niko gave him start-up money and his blessing. "What do you think this kid did with the money? He decides he needs some time to think so he takes his girlfriend and they go to Spain. Why Spain? Who knows?" Now he's laughing. "Ah, it's okay. Maybe he's right. Sometimes you need to be free for a while." I couldn't help it. I had to ask. "But, Niko. What about the money?" Generosity is not as popular in these financially trying times. "I don't worry 'bout that, Blondie. Not so important. I'll live." He was still laughing. "Life is good. Spain, Greece, Astoria...it is good. Did you wake up today? Yes! So, this is your blessing. Money comes, money goes. Enjoy life. Nick, he's a good boy. He will be okay. I will be okay. Love, we have love. Money does not trump love...not for me, not ever." Now I was smiling. Niko is a gambler. He enjoys Atlantic City and travels to Vegas when the gaming spirit moves him. He took a chance with his nephew. He chose to see it as win-win. "When he comes home, we'll talk. No more money, but sometimes you need more than money. So, it's done."
Many people feel they must hold on to what they have just to survive. If they are not in survival mode, they are worried about tomorrow. Maybe they feel their way of life is on the line. It seems they are trying to hold on to what they have. This may seem like a good idea, but it promotes a mentality of poverty. "I don't have enough...There might not be any left...When will I get more?" This attitude affects your sense of self. If you feel poor, you feel less. Anxiety goes up, optimism goes down. Soon, you're fulfilling your own prophecy. Yep, see, I am suffering. There is a solution. Give someone a gift.
A dear friend of mine has a friend who drives her crazy. Nope, not me this time. He always sees the glass as half empty...Mr. Negative. They have known one another for many years. Although they seem at odds often, they give one another support all the time. For all the bickering and complaining, they remain friends.
The gift of friendship is not to be given lightly. It is a commitment and a bond. The beautiful thing about it is that it is reciprocal. It is in the highest category of gift giving. This is an ongoing gift for both people. It is re-gifting the soul, for true friends get to know each other's deepest feelings and dreams. That's a big responsibility. Some hide from it. Some fear it. Others deny themselves this gift thinking the price is too high. On reflection, I think not giving and receiving this gift is the saddest choice you will make. Life is a bumpy ride. Having friends, true friends, along the way to share the highs and lows, gives you wealth beyond any treasure you possess.
The gift of love is simple. Ask Niko as he dances through life. You listen to your heart. Now, filter out the pro and con voices of the brain for a while. There's time for that, but not now. What does your heart feel when you want to give the gift of love? What does it feel when the gift is offered to you? The brain may get all panicky and crazy. This didn't work before. I'm not ready. This is not the right time. I've had enough changes...I need time for myself...okay, did you get that out of your system? Now, take a deep breath and just feel your heart beat. It tells you the truth. It will protect you, though you feel so vulnerable, so transparent. You are not alone...is that scary, too? It's all right. Your heart never rests. It feels everything. It will take you where you need to go, follow it. That doesn't mean you're skipping down the primrose path. We are back on that Rocky Road to Dublin, but, remember your friend? You know your heart wouldn't steer you to just anybody. You'll be traveling that road with your best friend. That's how real love starts and finishes. The heart knows. Once you open your heart to the gift of love, your heart returns the favor. It's a freakin' love fest. Dance with Niko and Zorba. Throw the plates. Lift your hands in the air. Listen to your heart.
