Lately shrines have become a bit of an obsession. This is about people, places, poetry and sundry things that inspire my personal shrines. Love conqures all.
Have you ever walked into the flame? You know the inevitable outcome. The best case scenario is you are only seriously wounded...worst case, destruction. Perhaps not annihilation, but part of you will not survive. Is this always a negative thing?
It brings to mind the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Bones and Scotty racing around the Enterprise after some nefarious Klingon attack. Sirens blare, red lights flash and Spock stoically spews scientific data predicting the eminent demise of the entire crew. Does Kirk flinch? Well, grimace, perhaps, but he races on to confront his fate...and that of his crew. Controlled chaos ensues with explosions, sparks and smoke...but when the smoke clears the heart of the Enterprise is still intact. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and even Uhuru are on deck, a gash here, a bandage there...maybe a limp. They may have lost some ancillary personnel on deck 3 and deck 8, but the guts of the operation are still operational.
"Aye, Cap'n, I thought she was gonna blow this time."
"Mr. Scott, I knew you could pull it off. Mr. Spock, are we clear?"
"Yes, Captain. All systems are functional."
"Steer a course for AlphaBetaMega, Mr. Chekov."
Off they blast, into the stars, a tiny speck in the universe.
That's how things happen in life, too. When we're in the thick of it there's little time to think or feel. Just that need to survive, but not to avoid the challenge. We may be singed, but we find we can still move pretty fast when we have to.
It does the soul good to walk through the fire sometimes. Personally, I don't make a habit of it, but it is invigorating. Do you smell something burning?
inspired, in part by Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event and in part by life ;)
Niko came in to have his heart tested today. We've been through this ritual many times. He reminds me of Zorba. His laugh is infectious and his outlook always positive. His family lives here and in Greece. His nephew, Nick, was going to start his own business, a small restaurant in Astoria. Niko gave him start-up money and his blessing. "What do you think this kid did with the money? He decides he needs some time to think so he takes his girlfriend and they go to Spain. Why Spain? Who knows?" Now he's laughing. "Ah, it's okay. Maybe he's right. Sometimes you need to be free for a while." I couldn't help it. I had to ask. "But, Niko. What about the money?" Generosity is not as popular in these financially trying times. "I don't worry 'bout that, Blondie. Not so important. I'll live." He was still laughing. "Life is good. Spain, Greece, Astoria...it is good. Did you wake up today? Yes! So, this is your blessing. Money comes, money goes. Enjoy life. Nick, he's a good boy. He will be okay. I will be okay. Love, we have love. Money does not trump love...not for me, not ever." Now I was smiling. Niko is a gambler. He enjoys Atlantic City and travels to Vegas when the gaming spirit moves him. He took a chance with his nephew. He chose to see it as win-win. "When he comes home, we'll talk. No more money, but sometimes you need more than money. So, it's done."
Many people feel they must hold on to what they have just to survive. If they are not in survival mode, they are worried about tomorrow. Maybe they feel their way of life is on the line. It seems they are trying to hold on to what they have. This may seem like a good idea, but it promotes a mentality of poverty. "I don't have enough...There might not be any left...When will I get more?" This attitude affects your sense of self. If you feel poor, you feel less. Anxiety goes up, optimism goes down. Soon, you're fulfilling your own prophecy. Yep, see, I am suffering. There is a solution. Give someone a gift.
A dear friend of mine has a friend who drives her crazy. Nope, not me this time. He always sees the glass as half empty...Mr. Negative. They have known one another for many years. Although they seem at odds often, they give one another support all the time. For all the bickering and complaining, they remain friends.
The gift of friendship is not to be given lightly. It is a commitment and a bond. The beautiful thing about it is that it is reciprocal. It is in the highest category of gift giving. This is an ongoing gift for both people. It is re-gifting the soul, for true friends get to know each other's deepest feelings and dreams. That's a big responsibility. Some hide from it. Some fear it. Others deny themselves this gift thinking the price is too high. On reflection, I think not giving and receiving this gift is the saddest choice you will make. Life is a bumpy ride. Having friends, true friends, along the way to share the highs and lows, gives you wealth beyond any treasure you possess.
The gift of love is simple. Ask Niko as he dances through life. You listen to your heart. Now, filter out the pro and con voices of the brain for a while. There's time for that, but not now. What does your heart feel when you want to give the gift of love? What does it feel when the gift is offered to you? The brain may get all panicky and crazy. This didn't work before. I'm not ready. This is not the right time. I've had enough changes...I need time for myself...okay, did you get that out of your system? Now, take a deep breath and just feel your heart beat. It tells you the truth. It will protect you, though you feel so vulnerable, so transparent. You are not alone...is that scary, too? It's all right. Your heart never rests. It feels everything. It will take you where you need to go, follow it. That doesn't mean you're skipping down the primrose path. We are back on that Rocky Road to Dublin, but, remember your friend? You know your heart wouldn't steer you to just anybody. You'll be traveling that road with your best friend. That's how real love starts and finishes. The heart knows. Once you open your heart to the gift of love, your heart returns the favor. It's a freakin' love fest. Dance with Niko and Zorba. Throw the plates. Lift your hands in the air. Listen to your heart.
I'm at sixes and sevens, so I decided to change a few things that are easy to handle. One is the look of this blog...it was time. The other is my fb profile pic.
Sometimes I am afraid of change. It can be scary. It can be uncomfortable. It is often unexpected. Last, but not least, it can be wonderful. Try it, you'll like it. Baby steps are good.
Check out the blog. Like it?
There is some big stuff on the horizon. This is a practice run.
Summer Sunday...Father's Day...steamy New York weather. Storms on the horizon, but blue patches and sunshine still smile down on us. The humidity wraps around me as I walk to the grocery store for one thing I forgot yesterday...red peppers. The warm close sensation feels good for a little while, but the air-conditioned store is refreshing. Tomorrow is the first day of summer.
A celebration of summer is traditional...gold is the color of the day. Sunflowers beckon from their container in the produce section. I don't resist. Sunflowers are just what I want to welcome summer to Glen Oaks. My relationship with this season would best be described as "it's complicated". A lot of unexpected stuff happens to me and people I love in the months of June, July and August. This makes me a bit wary of summer, but I do enjoy the enforced slow down for a while. This summer is no exception. There are health issues and high drama rears its regal head. We even christened a fire pit last night under the watchful 'eye' of a NYPD helicopter. This wild bunch was caught in the act of making s'mores...we shared.
While the fire was burning, I had a long conversation with a friend I haven't seen in many years. We caught up on family things, then talk turned to here and now...and tomorrow. Lately, I've realized that tomorrow has low priority for me. Here and now is what it's all about because it's all I'm sure of at any given moment. I mean, I think about the future, but I don't angst over it the way I used to because, on reflection, it's a waste of energy. My friend is in the process of making a major lifestyle change. That is scary and exciting. Only the person making the change can decide which one of those feelings is holding the high card. I don't give much advice on these matters. She will be the one to mind her own counsel.
We spoke of people we love, here and gone. Van Morrison, singing 'Brown Eyed Girl', backed up the conversation for a while. We smiled. We got it. Change is constant in life, but some other things remain constant, too. Love and friendship endure those changes. The only way you get that is by living life. Another friend arrived. She was totally frazzled trying to coordinate last minute details of her daughter's upcoming nuptials. We sipped white sangria and compared notes on parenting daughters. We sipped more sangria. Despite the frazzle factor, we counted our blessings.
As I surveyed the gathering around the fire pit, I realized this is the beginning of summer. We brought it in with the traditional crawfish boil and oh, so much more bounty. I assured my friends the best is yet to come. I truly believe that. Summertime blues not withstanding, what I see in my here in now is awesome. Peeking into the future looks pretty damn good, too. My body will get its tune-up soon and it will be all systems go. I'll be dancing in the firelight, enjoying now, knowing that very good things are on the horizon.
Smell of alcohol on his breath. My first patient said his memory wasn't too good. I recognize that scent...lived with an alcoholic for a while. It was a matter of personal safety...alcohol=danger, no alcohol=50/50. I can usually identify the type of alcohol imbibed...this morning, I'd say vodka. Not too much, just enough to take the edge off. The edge of pain, of fear, of anger, of grief or memories...it's an individual edge. This man was having his heart tested today. That's what I do, I care for hearts.
Strange how we earn our bread and butter. I've been in the heart care business for about twenty years. Sometimes, though, I forget how to care for my own. Lately, I think I've been doing a much better job. Care and maintenance of your heart can be a tricky thing if you don't listen to it. You need to be very quiet. Music can take you to the right place. Your brain may try to butt in...don't let it...at least, not now. Things you hear on the cardiac network might contradict so called common sense. That's okay. Let the song of your heart echo through your entire being. It will tell you the truth. Not what is right or wrong, good, bad or ugly. It will sing you the truth. Your choice is to make it a duet or let it float along into the universe solo.
Keeping your heart open is another important part of caring for your ticker. Clinically, this means one thing. I'm talking open heart policy. This can leave you susceptible to heartache and even heartbreak. It's worth the risk. The effect of closing your heart is worse than any pain you may endure. Closing the heart leads to a loss of feeling and hardening of the emotions. Ouch! An open heart leads to a joyful life. Warm and fuzzy feelings have also been reported.
Next, sharing your heart. This sounds a little messy. It can be, but in a good way. The more you share, the more heart there is to go around. This is an unexplained and wondrous phenomena. It takes getting used to, especially if you have been guarding your heart for a while. People tend to guard their heart after it's been broken or crushed...very understandable. The idea of letting the drawbridge to castleheart down is scary. It took a long time to dig that moat and stock it with fear-eating catfish. Take it easy. Lower it a notch at at time. Good things are on the way. No knights on chargers or damsels in distress on the horizon. That's another tale. See, things out there have potential.
Taking my own advice is not always easy for me. This time, I found it much simpler than in the past. Must be some of that older=wiser stuff going on. Whatever it is, I am grateful for the chance to fluff up my heart and let it sing to me. It is a beautiful vibrant song.
Summery sunshine and blue sky brings in this Memorial Day here in Queens. There's a big parade just down Littleneck Parkway on Northern Boulevard. My flag is in the window, red, white and blue behind the lace curtains. It's the unofficial beginning of summer. It's the official day of remembrance for soldiers who died in our Civil War...now for all fallen soldiers in our many wars. Each one of us has our own recollections. I know I don't need a special day for that, yet, I know it is a way to remind people what price freedom has and how horrific war really is.
Summer is a strange season for me. It seems many major changes initiate for me during the summer months. At one time I actually would dread the months of June, July and August. They seemed to incubate disruption during their steamy days. Fortunately, I've come to understand that this disruption of my norm is part of life's heartbeat. Sometimes it skips a beat, other times the rate accelerates and it might even throw in a few extra lub-dubs to keep me on my toes. Now, I don't take all these changes as an exception...more like a random pattern that occurs when necessary. Whenever I think I 'get it', what I get is a little zap. Complacency is stagnation, so the gods of summer throw a monkey wrench into the mix. I like monkeys, but things may get chaotic for a while. When the dust and banana peels settle, I begin to see reason to the rhyme.
So, here I am. Official or not, summer begins. Not wanting to disappoint me, the gods of summer have started the monkeyshines. Some are scary and some are amazingly wonderful. Welcome to my summer revelations. By the time I reach September, I'm sure things will be calmer. Well, I'm not really sure, but I'm okay with whatever evolves.
I've been clearing out many years of stuff. Spring cleaning continues to Summer cleaning...risky business. There are old paintings I've culled, but one that I love is Abuelita. I painted her in my parent's basement one summer's day, while I was trying to keep cool. She has been with me since then.
There are some things to hold and others to set free. Ah, summertime! This year, I do look forward to the shakeup. I moved Abuelita to the Oaxaca wing of my apartment. She seems right at home there. We all know, home is where the heart is.
Elliot is sitting on my lap, purring and head-butting the lap top. That is his way of showing affection, although the head-butting does get him in trouble on occasion. He stops, momentarily distracted by a cardinal's call, but resumes his ritual. The cardinal, oblivious to the cat and the human this side of the window, continues his song to his lady. His scarlet feathers puffed out at his throat, black cap shining in the early morning sun, all seems well in his world. It's a heartfelt serenade and soon there is a smaller female cardinal next to him. Her feather colors are more subdued, but she certainly has our boy's attention. When you let the song in your heart fly good things can happen. Then again, there are no guarantees. Sometimes you open your heart and another reaches in and scoops out some love, leaving nothing in exchange. Some people are expert at taking, but haven't quite gotten the knack of giving. This is not necessarily a malicious intent. Maybe it's how their brain is wired. Maybe the connection to the heart short circuited.
If this happens to you, if your heart gets scooped and you find it feels a little empty, don't be too concerned. Hearts have an amazing capacity for regeneration. It may take some time or it may happen overnight. If you are blessed with a generous heart you will find the joy of giving far outweighs the occasional scooping deficit. Live and learn. The generous heart seems to overflow, so sharing and giving of itself is almost a survival instinct...almost like breathing. The generous heart seems fragile to those who don't have one. They caution against giving too much or trusting the wrong people or thinking with your heart, not your head. Well, this is advice to take into consideration, but the generous heart knows these things...and still shares the love.
So, maybe a big box of heart band-aides is in the medicine cabinet. That's okay. If you are really living life you are bound to get a few bumps and bruises along the road. That generous heart may look like its been through a war, but it is the most beautiful heart imaginable. It can see the negative in you, but it focuses on the positive. Others may have given up on you, but this heart knows that you are capable of getting back on track. This generous heart is in your cheering section at all times. This heart will not lie, but will deliver the truth with kindness and compassion. This heart accepts who you are, takes you for you and does not judge.
As you may have guessed, generous hearts are a rare breed. They may even be on the endangered hearts list. If you are fortunate enough to have one touch your heart, sing Hallelujah! Sing it loud and sing it from your soul. They will change your life. Once touched by a generous heart an amazing transformation occurs. Your heart learns what it means to truly give with no heartstrings attached. It is liberating and a blessing beyond words.
heart sketch for shrine based on david olney's beautiful 'if my eyes were blind'
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