Delusions of The Full Moon Variety

That plate smashes into the kitchen wall...shatters into a score of pieces. I haven't done that since 1973 and it feels good, real good. Silvery moonlight filters through my lacy curtains, creating odd moth eaten patterns on the linoleum floor. It's quiet on my corner tonight. No traffic noise or crunching fender benders, no couples arguing at top decibel in the middle of the street, not caring who hears what and no sirens...ambulance or fire engines...roaring down the parkway outside my window. Crickets sing their last hurrah. It's summer's last day for this year. We celebrate autumn's return at 11:09pm tomorrow. Although it is my favorite season, I am in no mood for celebration. A bit of self-pity and 'i just knew it' have crept out of my sub and into my consciousness. I was so sure the pattern was broken. This time I took my time and made the right choice, assuming it was a two-way street. It seems, as my friends will attest to, my sense of direction runs true...I have none. I did not realize I turned onto a one-way street, but it seems I am consistent. Well, that's good...I guess. Maybe a GPS is in order. Without one, I tend to drive around in circles for a while before I reach my destination. If that is the case, I am getting dizzy...I may need some help, but I will get there. Maybe I'll blame it on the full moon that's coming on Thursday.

I'm thinking another flying saucer may do me a world of good, but I don't feel like picking up the pieces, especially in bare feet. That leaves me quite vulnerable for injury and I've had enough of that. Perhaps it's best to maintain a holding pattern. After all, I don't know where I'm going anymore, so what's the rush? Sleep deprivation seems to go hand and hand with this need for GPS assistance. It is a real pain in the butt to feel so clueless, but I do. In another reality, I would hop on a plane and just go somewhere, but that's not an option right now.

Oooh, a fire engine just rolled down the street...set off a car alarm on the way. That's better...some noise to distract me. It will take more than that, though. Sleep will come, eventually. In the morning things will look different in the sunlight. I may even find that GPS I was looking for tonight. Right now that plate looks mighty tempting...more sirens?,,, oh, yeah!

Guardians of the Soul

Sagittarius Horoscopes

(Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Next Week

For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- Your desire to avoid emotional drama may be difficult to achieve this weekend. Planets are firing off rockets that can explode in sudden attraction or blast away trust you have in another person. If you have someone special in your life, treat him or her as tenderly as you can, even when reason has flown the coop. Staying cool in the chaos is your best move.

Not surprisingly, I decided to sip a margarita this evening in lieu of the more traditional pain medication at my disposal. My body is on the mend. It reminds me of this any time I try to overextend my resources. There is no choice...I listen. My cat, Elliot, has taken it upon himself to be my personal bodyguard. This is quite amusing. He sticks to my like glue...at my feet, by my side and, of course, underfoot..."Oh, my God! Are you trying to kill me?" Even Monet has been solicitous. Animals sense human stress, be it emotional or physical and have their way of showing support. Some are more tuned in than others. They don't say a word. They are there for you.

There are people like this, too. They don't always have much to say, but they are there, present, when you need that extra energy. Words don't always work. I'm never sure I'll say the 'right' ones, anyway. Just knowing that someone is thinking of you when you need that extra boost gives a certain peace of mind. It is a blessing.

The ancient Egyptians considered cats sacred for practical and spiritual reasons. Some said they were guardians of the home and the soul. Maybe so. I've known a couple of contenders, feline and human, for that honor. Very glad to have them in my life.

Cap'n, I Think She's Gonna Blow

Have you ever walked into the flame? You know the inevitable outcome. The best case scenario is you are only seriously wounded...worst case, destruction. Perhaps not annihilation, but part of you will not survive. Is this always a negative thing?

It brings to mind the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Bones and Scotty racing around the Enterprise after some nefarious Klingon attack. Sirens blare, red lights flash and Spock stoically spews scientific data predicting the eminent demise of the entire crew. Does Kirk flinch? Well, grimace, perhaps, but he races on to confront his fate...and that of his crew. Controlled chaos ensues with explosions, sparks and smoke...but when the smoke clears the heart of the Enterprise is still intact. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and even Uhuru are on deck, a gash here, a bandage there...maybe a limp. They may have lost some ancillary personnel on deck 3 and deck 8, but the guts of the operation are still operational.

"Aye, Cap'n, I thought she was gonna blow this time."

"Mr. Scott, I knew you could pull it off. Mr. Spock, are we clear?"

"Yes, Captain. All systems are functional."

"Steer a course for AlphaBetaMega, Mr. Chekov."

Off they blast, into the stars, a tiny speck in the universe.

That's how things happen in life, too. When we're in the thick of it there's little time to think or feel. Just that need to survive, but not to avoid the challenge. We may be singed, but we find we can still move pretty fast when we have to.

It does the soul good to walk through the fire sometimes. Personally, I don't make a habit of it, but it is invigorating. Do you smell something burning?

inspired, in part by Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event and in part by life ;)

Greeks Bearing Gifts

Niko came in to have his heart tested today. We've been through this ritual many times. He reminds me of Zorba. His laugh is infectious and his outlook always positive. His family lives here and in Greece. His nephew, Nick, was going to start his own business, a small restaurant in Astoria. Niko gave him start-up money and his blessing. "What do you think this kid did with the money? He decides he needs some time to think so he takes his girlfriend and they go to Spain. Why Spain? Who knows?" Now he's laughing. "Ah, it's okay. Maybe he's right. Sometimes you need to be free for a while." I couldn't help it. I had to ask. "But, Niko. What about the money?" Generosity is not as popular in these financially trying times. "I don't worry 'bout that, Blondie. Not so important. I'll live." He was still laughing. "Life is good. Spain, Greece, Astoria...it is good. Did you wake up today? Yes! So, this is your blessing. Money comes, money goes. Enjoy life. Nick, he's a good boy. He will be okay. I will be okay. Love, we have love. Money does not trump love...not for me, not ever." Now I was smiling. Niko is a gambler. He enjoys Atlantic City and travels to Vegas when the gaming spirit moves him. He took a chance with his nephew. He chose to see it as win-win. "When he comes home, we'll talk. No more money, but sometimes you need more than money. So, it's done."

Many people feel they must hold on to what they have just to survive. If they are not in survival mode, they are worried about tomorrow. Maybe they feel their way of life is on the line. It seems they are trying to hold on to what they have. This may seem like a good idea, but it promotes a mentality of poverty. "I don't have enough...There might not be any left...When will I get more?" This attitude affects your sense of self. If you feel poor, you feel less. Anxiety goes up, optimism goes down. Soon, you're fulfilling your own prophecy. Yep, see, I am suffering. There is a solution. Give someone a gift.

A dear friend of mine has a friend who drives her crazy. Nope, not me this time. He always sees the glass as half empty...Mr. Negative. They have known one another for many years. Although they seem at odds often, they give one another support all the time. For all the bickering and complaining, they remain friends.

The gift of friendship is not to be given lightly. It is a commitment and a bond. The beautiful thing about it is that it is reciprocal. It is in the highest category of gift giving. This is an ongoing gift for both people. It is re-gifting the soul, for true friends get to know each other's deepest feelings and dreams. That's a big responsibility. Some hide from it. Some fear it. Others deny themselves this gift thinking the price is too high. On reflection, I think not giving and receiving this gift is the saddest choice you will make. Life is a bumpy ride. Having friends, true friends, along the way to share the highs and lows, gives you wealth beyond any treasure you possess.

The gift of love is simple. Ask Niko as he dances through life. You listen to your heart. Now, filter out the pro and con voices of the brain for a while. There's time for that, but not now. What does your heart feel when you want to give the gift of love? What does it feel when the gift is offered to you? The brain may get all panicky and crazy. This didn't work before. I'm not ready. This is not the right time. I've had enough changes...I need time for myself...okay, did you get that out of your system? Now, take a deep breath and just feel your heart beat. It tells you the truth. It will protect you, though you feel so vulnerable, so transparent. You are not alone...is that scary, too? It's all right. Your heart never rests. It feels everything. It will take you where you need to go, follow it. That doesn't mean you're skipping down the primrose path. We are back on that Rocky Road to Dublin, but, remember your friend? You know your heart wouldn't steer you to just anybody. You'll be traveling that road with your best friend. That's how real love starts and finishes. The heart knows. Once you open your heart to the gift of love, your heart returns the favor. It's a freakin' love fest. Dance with Niko and Zorba. Throw the plates. Lift your hands in the air. Listen to your heart.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I'm at sixes and sevens, so I decided to change a few things that are easy to handle. One is the look of this blog...it was time. The other is my fb profile pic.

Sometimes I am afraid of change. It can be scary. It can be uncomfortable. It is often unexpected. Last, but not least, it can be wonderful. Try it, you'll like it. Baby steps are good.

Check out the blog. Like it?

There is some big stuff on the horizon. This is a practice run.

Summer Gold and Blue

Summer Sunday...Father's Day...steamy New York weather. Storms on the horizon, but blue patches and sunshine still smile down on us. The humidity wraps around me as I walk to the grocery store for one thing I forgot yesterday...red peppers. The warm close sensation feels good for a little while, but the air-conditioned store is refreshing. Tomorrow is the first day of summer.

A celebration of summer is traditional...gold is the color of the day. Sunflowers beckon from their container in the produce section. I don't resist. Sunflowers are just what I want to welcome summer to Glen Oaks. My relationship with this season would best be described as "it's complicated". A lot of unexpected stuff happens to me and people I love in the months of June, July and August. This makes me a bit wary of summer, but I do enjoy the enforced slow down for a while. This summer is no exception. There are health issues and high drama rears its regal head. We even christened a fire pit last night under the watchful 'eye' of a NYPD helicopter. This wild bunch was caught in the act of making s'mores...we shared.

While the fire was burning, I had a long conversation with a friend I haven't seen in many years. We caught up on family things, then talk turned to here and now...and tomorrow. Lately, I've realized that tomorrow has low priority for me. Here and now is what it's all about because it's all I'm sure of at any given moment. I mean, I think about the future, but I don't angst over it the way I used to because, on reflection, it's a waste of energy. My friend is in the process of making a major lifestyle change. That is scary and exciting. Only the person making the change can decide which one of those feelings is holding the high card. I don't give much advice on these matters. She will be the one to mind her own counsel.

We spoke of people we love, here and gone. Van Morrison, singing 'Brown Eyed Girl', backed up the conversation for a while. We smiled. We got it. Change is constant in life, but some other things remain constant, too. Love and friendship endure those changes. The only way you get that is by living life. Another friend arrived. She was totally frazzled trying to coordinate last minute details of her daughter's upcoming nuptials. We sipped white sangria and compared notes on parenting daughters. We sipped more sangria. Despite the frazzle factor, we counted our blessings.

As I surveyed the gathering around the fire pit, I realized this is the beginning of summer. We brought it in with the traditional crawfish boil and oh, so much more bounty. I assured my friends the best is yet to come. I truly believe that. Summertime blues not withstanding, what I see in my here in now is awesome. Peeking into the future looks pretty damn good, too. My body will get its tune-up soon and it will be all systems go. I'll be dancing in the firelight, enjoying now, knowing that very good things are on the horizon.

Oaxaca 2009

Heart Care

Smell of alcohol on his breath. My first patient said his memory wasn't too good. I recognize that scent...lived with an alcoholic for a while. It was a matter of personal safety...alcohol=danger, no alcohol=50/50. I can usually identify the type of alcohol imbibed...this morning, I'd say vodka. Not too much, just enough to take the edge off. The edge of pain, of fear, of anger, of grief or memories...it's an individual edge. This man was having his heart tested today. That's what I do, I care for hearts.

Strange how we earn our bread and butter. I've been in the heart care business for about twenty years. Sometimes, though, I forget how to care for my own. Lately, I think I've been doing a much better job. Care and maintenance of your heart can be a tricky thing if you don't listen to it. You need to be very quiet. Music can take you to the right place. Your brain may try to butt in...don't let it...at least, not now. Things you hear on the cardiac network might contradict so called common sense. That's okay. Let the song of your heart echo through your entire being. It will tell you the truth. Not what is right or wrong, good, bad or ugly. It will sing you the truth. Your choice is to make it a duet or let it float along into the universe solo.

Keeping your heart open is another important part of caring for your ticker. Clinically, this means one thing. I'm talking open heart policy. This can leave you susceptible to heartache and even heartbreak. It's worth the risk. The effect of closing your heart is worse than any pain you may endure. Closing the heart leads to a loss of feeling and hardening of the emotions. Ouch! An open heart leads to a joyful life. Warm and fuzzy feelings have also been reported.

Next, sharing your heart. This sounds a little messy. It can be, but in a good way. The more you share, the more heart there is to go around. This is an unexplained and wondrous phenomena. It takes getting used to, especially if you have been guarding your heart for a while. People tend to guard their heart after it's been broken or crushed...very understandable. The idea of letting the drawbridge to castleheart down is scary. It took a long time to dig that moat and stock it with fear-eating catfish. Take it easy. Lower it a notch at at time. Good things are on the way. No knights on chargers or damsels in distress on the horizon. That's another tale. See, things out there have potential.

Taking my own advice is not always easy for me. This time, I found it much simpler than in the past. Must be some of that older=wiser stuff going on. Whatever it is, I am grateful for the chance to fluff up my heart and let it sing to me. It is a beautiful vibrant song.

heart shrine~love fell into itself